Perfect song for someone who is experiencing narcissistic abuse⚔️
Under a Spell
Crushes, twin flames, soul mates. They are often compared to “spells” but emotional abuse and manipulation are often confused with “Love” My pain is quite recent, but it's like a story that identifies my situation as a teenager. I was the victim of an improper relationship with a 16 yr old at my 12 almost 13 years. It wasn't a romantic relationship, although at that time I thought it was. Initially I was "in love" so I could not see all the alerts that were raised, certain events were taking presidence in my life at the time and I had to move away. Shortly afterwards he did the same. A few years go by with little contact between the 2 of us. We eventually reunite when I was 16 and he 19. That turned out to not be a good idea at the time. Fast forward 25 years later and he and I reunite again. This time I’m in a loveless marriage (#2) with 3 biological children and 2 step children. To me at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I was miserable in my marriage and was looking for a “way out” This guy from my childhood came back into my life out of nowhere. Honeslty, I was so lost in love with him and I felt amazing. He made me feel things that I have never under before for anyone EVER! For the first couple of months anyway. Then it was like a “light switch”! As the relationship progressed and more things began to be dangerous I began to think that I should continue with this man because "I loved him" and love supports everything. And you all may wonder, how can anyone feel love for a person who only hurts you? Well, it is impossible, but at that time part of his game was to make me believe that for love I had to endure his actions and give him everything he wanted. At the end of the relationship, I stopped feeling love, I began to see all the scars and “red flags” that I had ignored and I felt fear, I can compare this fear with a spell under which I could not react, I was afraid that when I left he could look for me and make me hurt more. Today, only a year and a half later I'm still afraid of him even though I haven't seen him. The experience follows me like a ghost with a story that I am going to tell today. Everyday if I have to. My life is free of him, but his spell in a way is a trauma that will accompany me throughout my life, He took something from me that I can never recover. I am grateful to know how people should not treat me now for that story of my past, although I would not mind having learned it in a less harsh way. I will continue to fight for my life and my sanity and help others who are going thru the same situation. Today, I’m struggling with my own identity, self confidence, self esteem, I’m trying to learn how to love myself. I hope and pray that one day my children and my parents will be able to trust me again and be proud of there mother and there daughter. I hope they realize that I never meant to hurt anyone and that they’ll forgive me for who I turned out to be. This whole ordeal transformed me into someone else. Someone whom I am getting to know more and more everyday. I have no regrets and no longer hold resentment for what this man did to me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I wish no harm to him or his friends and family. I hope he realizes the hurt and suffering that he puts people thru especially the ones that he claims to “love” and finds happiness one day. I believe wholeheartedly that God will take care of what needs to be taken care of. And he will be dealt with accordingly. I will live my life…without unnecessary pain and suffering.
C.L.
